After the whole set of Juli misadventures, I found myself incredibly cynical. I’d see ads in the newspaper for diamond rings and such, and I’d scoff at the naiveté of these fools rushing into love, not knowing how much hurt lay in store for them. Part of me wished I could simply forget my pain and enjoy the veil of innocence I was once under. I’m sure, however, it was more than anything simply the sting of betrayal mixed with a bit of jealousy.
After a while, though, I tried to get back into the game a bit. I was seeing a girl for a bit… there was a good chemistry, and we had fun together, but I purposefully didn’t make any overtly romantic gestures. So, it was a friendship with an interesting chemistry and the possibility for Friends-with-benefits.
But I still sat on it: for two reasons. A) I didn’t want to get hurt, so I was being careful; B) I didn’t know whether I was interested in this girl long term, and I worked with her and had kinda integrated her into my friendship base. So, after about two months, things kinda came to a head, and she disengaged, not even wanting to talk to me for about a week. In the end, we’ve become pretty fast friends again, but we’re not as thick-as-thieves as we were doing that two month stint.
I bring this story up because when it kinda fell apart, I was surprisingly unhurt by it all. I’m the type of guy who falls in love really darn easy. Perhaps it’s abandonment issues or something, but when I find someone who wants to be with me, I fall right in, even if it’s wrong. This time, however, it was strangely easy for me to maintain that emotional distance I’d never done before. Could it all have been something more if I’d just jumped in? Certainly, multiple mutual friends have said so since. But in the end, I know that the relationship couldn’t have lasted, and I’m happier thinking that months or years later, I can call her a friend instead of an ex-girlfriend.
But the crux is this: at some point in each new relationship, one must ask oneself, What am I willing to risk? For the chance to see if this could be something stellar, what am I willing to sacrifice if I’m wrong? What level of hurt am I willing to sustain for the possibility of joy?
I’ve managed to not get hurt over the last year and a half, but at the same time, I wonder… what have I missed out on, too? What has playing it safe really gained me? What opportunities am I essentially choosing to pass up in order to continue to don this armour?